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+---- Thread: A little emotional help (/showthread.php?tid=15717)
A little emotional help - datasync - 01-19-2011
Ok. This is me spilling my guts to you random people of the internet. I am a Junior in High school so its probably just hormones or something but still I think I should say something. It is easier to tell you than the people around me because it is embarrassing so I am just going to tell you everything.
I make good grades, I do everything right, people say "I would love that boy to marry my daughter", people respect me.
I am sick of being people's little pawn. I do everything for everyone. I have done everything in my life right (the right they told me) and always done for everyone else. I do everything the school asks me to do. I do everything my family asks me to do.
You know the last time I did something for myself? No, neither do I. I listen to all those stupid adults "Don't party, don't drink, don't have fun." so I did none of those things. Well, I'm a Junior in Highschool and am to the point I may just walk out of my house tonight, without telling anyone, leave a note to not contact me for a week, and just go somewhere for a week or two. Is that so much to ask? I can afford to miss a few days of school. I have enough money to just chill somewhere far away. I have a good family, but they are not exactly the loving family. I am trapped in this little hill-billy town with idiots as people. Yes, my GF cheated on me with the one person in the freakin town who does't respect me or fear me. Did I do anything about it? No. "Don't go and do something stupid." So I didn't. I have played my cards well and am respected by many, but its like I have NOTHING.
I want to just walk away for a week, give me my week of peace for all these years of slavery and bullcrap. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK??? I think not. So I'm thinking that if I do not get to go relax and have some sort of fun soon, my mind will just turn to mush and I will have a mental breakdown and fry. I don't mean fun as in drugs, sex, or alcohol. Just relaxed fun with someone. PLEASE save my brain from frying. I will have a great career and a family, if I can just live that long. Its not a lot to ask is it? I can tell that this kinda depression is affecting me at school. I just daze off and feel all weird.
Yes, these past few weeks I have been under a little more stress recently with all the crap in Tunisia. Thank god it is doing good, and God help those there, but all I have been doing these past few weeks have been seeing videos and pictures of the people who died. I have been doing everything I can with Anonymous to get proxies, set up tor nodes, etc. I felt a tingling feeling in my heart when I found out Ben Ali had fled, but they still have a long way to go. So, I am depressed kinda. Kinda just fed up a little.
I hold all my emotions in and don't let anyone know what is going on. People know me for being strong and intelligent. I am respected and I don't think I could survive if I lost that. No one has ever seen me cry. When I found out my GF cheated on me, I just got in my car and drove around, randomly breaking out in tears, but with no one around. It hurt me a lot but what am I suppose to do? Accept it and go on, so I did just that.
I don't want to end this depressed loser who never had fun in life. But how am I suppose to stop this. The only thing I can think is just do something random and go somewhere I have never been and just try to enjoy life for a few days.
I could have had sex with dozens of girls, I could have partied a lot. But I didn't. I thought somehow I was making the right choice. I don't regret it. I'm still a virgin and I don't regret it. I am going to do things right, fall in love with the perfect girl, good career, good job. I just need something to hold on to get there. I am good at taking care of people, but they never come to me for help. I have tried to help the people I care about, but they just wouldn't let me.
Parts of the day are fine, others I just don't know what to do. All the good people and friends I knew are all gone. Moved away or messed up.
Oh, and none of my "friends" have tried to help me. The ones that have graduated and are in college just say "sorry that happened to you bro" and my kinda best friend I hang out with pretty much has no emotions (seriously, he has a heart of stone) so don't get much help out of him. But he is a good guy to have my back.
On the bright side, this past week I met a nice girl. That day was a good day. When reality sinks in, I look around me here and have nothing joyful. I wish I could just move away. I don't get how people say they can't escape. You can, just stand up and walk away somewhere no one knows you and start over. But thanks to the law of the United States, I cannot do that. All I need is a change of scenery for just a few days to forget this boring, miserable life. I say "Father, can I go someplace for spring break with a few friends" he sais "No, that is something you do in college." So I'm not suppose to have fun until college? I thought that you have fun UNTIL college? What they hell do these people think they are saying. "Enjoy your High-School Years, you will miss them..." How can I miss them if I never have fun??? Isn't life suppose to be fun?
I look up to Omni. He has a family, he has a good life, he does what he enjoys. I can be like that, I want to be like that. I just need help getting there. I'm a great person. Never harmed a soul in my life. Sure, I have wanted to (who hasn't?) but I have an extremely strong will-power and moral ethics. But no happiness. Obviously, where I am is only hurting my future, not helping it. If you enjoy life, you succeed. I want to enjoy so I can succeed. If you don't enjoy, you don't succeed. Is that so hard to understand? Am I being selfish?
RE: A little emotional help - Swat Runs Train - 01-19-2011
You need to do what you want, changing the way you act or even forgoing what you want to do on the word of others is obviously holding you back, it's good that you respect your parents and their wishes but there comes a point where you mature enough to make your own choices, to me it sounds like you reached that point.
That said, don't do anything I wouldn't do
RE: A little emotional help - Mao - 01-19-2011
You are not alone datasync. I once worked my soul out to give myself this "good boy" image to please my parents in spite of the knowledge that I can do whatever I want. I didn't party late, I didn't spend a night at a friend's, I didn't miss out on any homework etc etc etc. It shows that even if you are just pressured to do "good" things, you are a good guy. You're smart enough to take care of yourself and your responsibilities. I'm going to tell you something that I wish I did when I was still in high school. Take control. You have morals, that should be enough to keep you out of trouble. No one has to put you in a box and make you run in an exercise wheel. Some people just don't get that you can live a good life and at the same time enjoy it. Also, the only definition of being "good" that matters is yours. Just do your thing with that definition in mind. Everything should be swell.