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+---- Thread: The art of taking a crap (/showthread.php?tid=11714)
The art of taking a crap - DAMINK™ - 09-02-2010
How to Poop at Work…
> We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
> our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.. As much as we try
> to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who
> hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at
> work.
>
> *CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
> smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know
> where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
> has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
> your pants.
>
> *FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.. Walk in and
> check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
> again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
> suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
>
> *ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a
> stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you
> release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
> are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did
> not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
> Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
>
> *JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
> pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
> happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom
> to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
>
> *COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
> the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
> bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
>
> *WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
> have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
> someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the
> smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
>
> *OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone
> proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
> with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for
> the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
>
> *THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band
> together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help
> you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify
> SAFE HAVENS.
>
> *SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
> least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
> sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
>
> *TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you a re in the stall and
> tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
> moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in
> the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
> uncomfortable eye contact.
>
> *CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
> that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
> potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a
> SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
>
> *SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd
> Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
> stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom
> immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
>
> *WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
> water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
> create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH..
>
> *HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
> the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH
> with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
>
> *AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever..Could
> spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
> AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
> always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as
> the other bathroom attendees
>
>
>
> SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF
>
> The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't
>
> come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
>
> Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
&g t;
> Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
>
> Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's
> still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at
> someone else's house.
>
> The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it
> falls into the water.
>
> The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long
> your legs go numb from the waist down.
>
> The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're
> trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
>
> The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush
> the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
>
> NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
>
Thanks to Outlaw for this.
Thought i would share it as i got a giggle out of it.
RE: The art of taking a crap - PurpleHaze - 09-02-2010
I hate when the water rises and it comes over the edge.
RE: The art of taking a crap - Untouch - 09-02-2010
This is one of the funniest posts here. I had a great laught reading it all
