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Hello.
I wrote this in 12 minutes while practicing for the SAT. The prompt:

""Many persons believe that to move up the ladder of success and achievement, they must forget the past, repress it, and relinquish it. But others have just the opposite view. They see old memories as a chance to reckon with the past and integrate past and present. Do memories hinder or help people in their effort to learn from the past and succeed in the present? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations."

Essay:
I am a strong believer that memories and recollections can help us drastically in attempting to succeed in the present. I find it hard to think of a better teacher than past mistakes and experiences.

We, as humans, are creatures of habit. However, one would be surprised to find out that this fact actually helps us break those habits. By not repeating past actions, we can grow to find our true selves; our niche in this world, if you will.

I myself speak from experience. In my short fifteen years of life, I have come to realize that certain actions and behaviors can cause a less than favorable results. but, that is exactly why I am the person that I am today.

The ability to recognize patterns, both bad and good, rests within every human being, However, harnessing that ability is another thing entirely. Just look at humanity's past in general; the flaws that lie imbued in our DNA today can be observed in civilizations as old as the Olmecs.

Does this mean that we are banished to a life of perpetual failure? Of course not! As I stated, every human being can recognize patterns. Will you be one of the few who overcome their habitual, sometimes self-hazardous actions? Or will you let your life succumb to being dictated by repetitive functions? Let your memories serve as a guide towards your future self; one cannot let themselves be bound by their past and expect to be successful.

--

I think that writing in first person may have been a mistake. But, I read that it should be a persuasive essay, so I wrote it as such.
Thanks.

In my opinion, it's pretty good, as a matter of fact, it's very good. Better than anything I could write. When I wrote my essay for the SAT, I didn't talk in first person because I was afraid they would dock off points. It's really hard to write in another perspective when you're trying to make it persuasive.

Its an average essay. Its nothing special. On a scale of 1-15, imo, you would get a 9. But then again your mark would depend on your teachers perspective of the class, if youre moderatly smart you would get an 8-10 and if your class is in the below average category you would get an 11-13.

Yes i agree never write in 1st person. Try not to use words like "us" ect, on the other hand you used good words, and you sounded proffesional. Good job.

(12-10-2009, 07:29 PM)Genius Wrote: [ -> ]Yes i agree never write in 1st person. Try not to use words like "us" ect, on the other hand you used good words, and you sounded proffesional. Good job.

I believe that although pretty short, that it is above average.

I also believe that the points that you make are as important, or maybe more important in some cases than how you say it technically.

As far as 'rules' are concerned, if everybody followed them like sheep,
then writing would not evolve and be eventaully boring.

I have heard that where some may say that writng in the first person is not a good idea,
some authors have created a conversation, or maybe a monologue in the first person,
by a character within the story to get around this problem, or something along those lines.

Ultimately though, it would be for teachers to grade it and as you are probably aware, their views may vary.

I say pretty well done though.

(12-09-2009, 04:08 PM)Elektrisk Wrote: [ -> ]Hello.
I wrote this in 12 minutes while practicing for the SAT. The prompt:

""Many persons believe that to move up the ladder of success and achievement, they must forget the past, repress it, and relinquish it. But others have just the opposite view. They see old memories as a chance to reckon with the past and integrate past and present. Do memories hinder or help people in their effort to learn from the past and succeed in the present? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations."

Essay:
I am a strong believer that memories and recollections can help us drastically in attempting to succeed in the present. I find it hard to think of a better teacher than past mistakes and experiences.

We, as humans, are creatures of habit. However, one would be surprised to find out that this fact actually helps us break those habits. By not repeating past actions, we can grow to find our true selves; our niche in this world, if you will.

I myself speak from experience. In my short fifteen years of life, I have come to realize that certain actions and behaviors can cause a less than favorable results. but, that is exactly why I am the person that I am today.

The ability to recognize patterns, both bad and good, rests within every human being, However, harnessing that ability is another thing entirely. Just look at humanity's past in general; the flaws that lie imbued in our DNA today can be observed in civilizations as old as the Olmecs.

Does this mean that we are banished to a life of perpetual failure? Of course not! As I stated, every human being can recognize patterns. Will you be one of the few who overcome their habitual, sometimes self-hazardous actions? Or will you let your life succumb to being dictated by repetitive functions? Let your memories serve as a guide towards your future self; one cannot let themselves be bound by their past and expect to be successful.

--

I think that writing in first person may have been a mistake. But, I read that it should be a persuasive essay, so I wrote it as such.
Thanks.

In my opinion, the Wording is very nice. However,

This ->
" I am a strong believer that memories and recollections can help us drastically in attempting to succeed in the present. I find it hard to think of a better teacher than past mistakes and experiences.

We, as humans, are creatures of habit. However, one would be surprised to find out that this fact actually helps us break those habits. By not repeating past actions, we can grow to find our true selves; our niche in this world, if you will.

I myself speak from experience. In my short fifteen years of life, I have come to realize that certain actions and behaviors can cause a less than favorable results. but, that is exactly why I am the person that I am today.

The ability to recognize patterns, both bad and good, rests within every human being, However, harnessing that ability is another thing entirely. Just look at humanity's past in general; the flaws that lie imbued in our DNA today can be observed in civilizations as old as the Olmecs. "

Is unacceptable. You have two sentences for your Introduction, three for you First body, three in the Middle body, and only two for your final body. I would recommend putting 4 or more sentences in each to give it Full Flavor.

You kept to topic, so that is good.

The only problem with it, if turned in like this, would be the length. Put in more details, and the such. Most importantly; Don't rush. That gets you nowhere, trust me.

--Tank

Thanks a lot guys; you've all helped tremendously. I believe that my problem is/was that when the writing first began, I thought "Oh, man, I only have 25 mins. I better rush." but in the end, I had like 10+ minutes left over. My friend, who got a 6 on this essay, gave me a lot of pointers and advice, but I expect I'll be posting one or two more for reviews. Thanks again everyone.

It's good but I would conclude stronger with a statement like:

"In short I firmly believe there is no success without past failures."

(12-11-2009, 10:22 AM)Elektrisk Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks a lot guys; you've all helped tremendously. I believe that my problem is/was that when the writing first began, I thought "Oh, man, I only have 25 mins. I better rush." but in the end, I had like 10+ minutes left over. My friend, who got a 6 on this essay, gave me a lot of pointers and advice, but I expect I'll be posting one or two more for reviews. Thanks again everyone.

Anyday, keep it up.

Never a problem; If it ever grows too much, and you have some spare change; Give me a Ring.

--Tank