03-23-2018, 03:53 PM
I think I'm posting this because it still deeply hurts me and I know my friends are tired of hearing about it. They've done all they can. I'm pretty sure I need professional help to be perfectly honest. Anyway... here goes.
I had a friend, we'll call him Max.
I met max almost three years ago, and despite having a boyfriend (i'm still dating this guy by the way). I fell in love with him. It never went above friend level, because I knew I didn't want to leave my bf, but I loved him nonetheless. We hung out occasionally, and I was just stoked to be in his presence and he seemed like he was stoked to be in mine. He knew how I felt about him, but he was giving signs that he didn't want to be my friend any longer. He would start reading my messages and not answering, seeming like talking to me was exhausting and a number of other things. I tried to push it out of my head. I told myself that he was just busy or maybe that I just talked too much. I began to vomit from anxiousness every time I sent a message. I was irritable and cried at least once a day. One day, after a long battle of attempting to hangout, he agreed that the next day we would. He stood me up. A few days later, he told me that we had never been friends, that I wasn't interesting,that he had lied when he said that he cared, and that his Christmas wish is that we would never talk again. I apologized profusely, and began to sob. He laughed. LAUGHED. Although knowing that he never cared is painful, the worst part is living with the guilt of falling in love with another man while being in a relationship. Thank God my boyfriend has forgiven me, but I still hate myself. I hate how psychotic I probably sound. I hate how i fell in love with someone who lied about everything. I hate that I was so gullible. I hate that I hurt my boyfriend. I hate that I still have to see Max around my college. I hate that when I do see him, I hyperventilate and run away. I hate that he never called me to apologize. I hate that I STILL wish he'd call, even though it's been four months. I hate that he laughed. I hate that I wasn't interesting enough to keep him as a friend. I hate that he has changed my perspective on everything, and I trust no one. I hate that he...well he destroyed me.
P.S. yes, I know I'm neurotic, and yes I'm attempting to get help.
I had a friend, we'll call him Max.
I met max almost three years ago, and despite having a boyfriend (i'm still dating this guy by the way). I fell in love with him. It never went above friend level, because I knew I didn't want to leave my bf, but I loved him nonetheless. We hung out occasionally, and I was just stoked to be in his presence and he seemed like he was stoked to be in mine. He knew how I felt about him, but he was giving signs that he didn't want to be my friend any longer. He would start reading my messages and not answering, seeming like talking to me was exhausting and a number of other things. I tried to push it out of my head. I told myself that he was just busy or maybe that I just talked too much. I began to vomit from anxiousness every time I sent a message. I was irritable and cried at least once a day. One day, after a long battle of attempting to hangout, he agreed that the next day we would. He stood me up. A few days later, he told me that we had never been friends, that I wasn't interesting,that he had lied when he said that he cared, and that his Christmas wish is that we would never talk again. I apologized profusely, and began to sob. He laughed. LAUGHED. Although knowing that he never cared is painful, the worst part is living with the guilt of falling in love with another man while being in a relationship. Thank God my boyfriend has forgiven me, but I still hate myself. I hate how psychotic I probably sound. I hate how i fell in love with someone who lied about everything. I hate that I was so gullible. I hate that I hurt my boyfriend. I hate that I still have to see Max around my college. I hate that when I do see him, I hyperventilate and run away. I hate that he never called me to apologize. I hate that I STILL wish he'd call, even though it's been four months. I hate that he laughed. I hate that I wasn't interesting enough to keep him as a friend. I hate that he has changed my perspective on everything, and I trust no one. I hate that he...well he destroyed me.
P.S. yes, I know I'm neurotic, and yes I'm attempting to get help.