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I have tried to minimize the wall of text, so not that many details.

I have always been the person who kept my problems to myself and let it build up inside of me.
I have always been the strong person in my family and have always felt the need to be.

But recently it became too much, all the bad memories that I haven't talked about, I snapped.
Frankly, I am feeling very blue, the memories keep coming to my consciounce.

A couple of years ago my family suffered a great loss, when my cousin passed away.
I wasn't that old and I took her for granted, now I regret it, every day, every minute.
A lot of people tells me that I shouldn't feel bad, but I can't help it.
I visit her grave almost daily, it helps me clear my head and mind.

I know this post will be a wall of text and a bit confusing, emotional and sound like something taken from one of those bad teen dramas.

I guess it all started 12 years ago, when my father found a girlfriend, who didn't treat me and my brother well. Every single thing we did or say were wrong, we couldn't do anything right.
The memory is etched in me, I can clearly remember how she hit me, right in front of my father and yet he is still with her.

For as long as I can remember she has psychologically abused me and my brother and my father have ignored it, she is deeply under his skin and everyone but him can see that she is using him.
Their relationship have been unstable, they have been on/off the past 11 years, depending on her mood and what she wants. A couple a years ago they got a child and I got a new baby brother.
I saw him when he were about a year old, then she kept him away from us and our entire family for over 3 years, she used him to “blackmail” my father.

About 8 months ago, my brother felt ready for what I have been preparing for in a long time, the ultimatum. We gave our dad a choice, a very simple one, it was us or her. He chose her over us and I haven't been in contact with him ever since, however my brother has and recently he was told that they are getting married, a few weeks within that new he said to my brother that there were absolutely no plans about them getting married, which apparently was another one of his lies.

Now he's completely dead to me, I wouldn't even call him my father, he doesn't deserve that.


A few months ago I moved onto highshcool, or what it is called in other countries.
I came into a great, almost a perfect class and for once I felt like I had control over my entire life.
In the first 2 months I met up and my classmates always asked why I always smiled, I just felt, happy.

But recently I have begun to feel quite blue, the only person who can make me smile, is her.
In my new class there is a girl, who I have gotten along with, we have a very flirtatious relationship and I want to go forward with it, even tho we are in the same class, which seems like a bad idea.

There is also this other boy in our class that she has begun to flirt with and I don't want to become a part of a love-triangle, so I try to keep my distance to her, but I fail, miserably, I can't help it, I feel drawn towards her.

I though I had been in love before, but she proved me wrong.
Now I am thinking that she isn't worth it if she creates a love-triangle.

All these things keeps spinning in my head and my smile is gone, I can't stop thinking about all of this.

First of all, I'd like to say that I'm so sorry for all of the pain you have endured throughout your life. I have come to realize that everyone will deal with emotional pain at some point or another in their life, some people will deal with it more often but you have to realize that things will get better. Have you talked to anyone, a professional perhaps? Therapists and counselors can help, you just have to find someone you click with. Sometimes, it is better to vent your feelings as opposed to bottling them up. I used to bottle up my feelings and to be honest, I was very unhappy with myself at that point in my life. I now try to discuss my feelings with people I love, family, friends etc...I believe there is plenty of hope for you to get out of this funk you're in because I've been there.

I understand you have met a girl that you have fallen for but you are confused because you believe that she may be interested in someone else. Have you guys discussed your feelings? Or are you shutting down because that is what you're used to? If you haven't told her how you feel, you should. Things will either go good or bad but at least you will be able to get what you need to say off of your chest. When you discuss your feelings with other people, things are not always going to go your way, you have to always remember this. It will help you tremendously. Even if you don't get the response you want or were expecting, at least what you needed to say is out in the open and not all bottled up inside of your conscience.

Although I don't know you, I am here if you need to talk. I myself am dealing with emotional issues at the moment and find that sometimes talking to complete strangers can put my mind at ease. I hope you have a wonderful evening.