01-04-2013, 05:38 AM
Guys, this is really in depth. I am hoping that someone that has some sort of PHD or something reads this.
About three years ago, I was really depressed. Really down on myself. I have always been really hard on myself too.
I did something really bad one day. And I started tearing into myself. I started saying, "4thcause you are a worthless piece of sh*t. I really hate you. You don't deserve to live. etc. etc. etc." (Of course I said my real name. It was a really hectic time in my life.). I just said the absolute worst things I could think of at the time. Something happened that day. I got so used to being so hard on myself, that I guess my subconscious liked when it happened. It was almost a, "Yeah you do suck," type of thing.
The next day, something bad happened. It was an, "Oh sh*t" situation. When it did, my zygomaticus muscles (The muscles in your face that move when you have a deep smile. I found this on a Website about the zygomatic muscles that said this: "Though we may show a polite grin or camera smile at will, the zygomatic or heartfelt smile is hard to produce on demand.") started to flex, as if I were smiling. Now, every time something bad crosses my mind, those muscles flex, as if I were smiling.
This has been going on for 3 years! t doesn't matter what it is. I was thinking about adding to this post just now, "I am really having a hard time with this." That caused an involuntary flex of those muscles. No matter how bad it is, it always happens. I could hear that my dog died, and that would happen. Someone can say, "Crap," and it happens. It happens tons of times everyday.
When those muscles flex, my brain AUTOMATICALLY interprets that as something good is happening. It changes my perspective, and I have to relook at the situation in a different light for what it really is.
I need to rewire my brain. I am up for any suggestions. Please let me know any random ideas you have. I know a fair amount about rewiring the brain already. I have tried to write a program for my brain. It went something like this:
That is a small example of the code I made. It gets really...really...really indepth. It is to hardwire different neurons to fire when I tell them to.
I tried to program that "script" if you will, to run in my head before the involuntary smile happens. It happens too quick though.
It did help though. It isn't as noticeable by other people.
I know this is weird. I might have had self pity when I did this. I don't care anymore. Crap happens. I'm just still dealing with this 3 years later.
I might just need a vacation where everything goes well. Then the involuntary smile will not be as strongly tied to my memory, and will slowly go away. I just got a couple of "wires" crossed up there.
Any and all suggestions for this jacked up situation are welcome.
About three years ago, I was really depressed. Really down on myself. I have always been really hard on myself too.
I did something really bad one day. And I started tearing into myself. I started saying, "4thcause you are a worthless piece of sh*t. I really hate you. You don't deserve to live. etc. etc. etc." (Of course I said my real name. It was a really hectic time in my life.). I just said the absolute worst things I could think of at the time. Something happened that day. I got so used to being so hard on myself, that I guess my subconscious liked when it happened. It was almost a, "Yeah you do suck," type of thing.
The next day, something bad happened. It was an, "Oh sh*t" situation. When it did, my zygomaticus muscles (The muscles in your face that move when you have a deep smile. I found this on a Website about the zygomatic muscles that said this: "Though we may show a polite grin or camera smile at will, the zygomatic or heartfelt smile is hard to produce on demand.") started to flex, as if I were smiling. Now, every time something bad crosses my mind, those muscles flex, as if I were smiling.
This has been going on for 3 years! t doesn't matter what it is. I was thinking about adding to this post just now, "I am really having a hard time with this." That caused an involuntary flex of those muscles. No matter how bad it is, it always happens. I could hear that my dog died, and that would happen. Someone can say, "Crap," and it happens. It happens tons of times everyday.
When those muscles flex, my brain AUTOMATICALLY interprets that as something good is happening. It changes my perspective, and I have to relook at the situation in a different light for what it really is.
I need to rewire my brain. I am up for any suggestions. Please let me know any random ideas you have. I know a fair amount about rewiring the brain already. I have tried to write a program for my brain. It went something like this:
Code:
0= off/no
1= on/yes
If bad event = 1 then { "impulse = 0" "This is a horrible situation, and I know I feel that."}
'By impulse = 0, I have meditated on it and have come to this definition, "I am simply existing. There is no bad or good. Everything just exists with no thought."That is a small example of the code I made. It gets really...really...really indepth. It is to hardwire different neurons to fire when I tell them to.
I tried to program that "script" if you will, to run in my head before the involuntary smile happens. It happens too quick though.
It did help though. It isn't as noticeable by other people.
I know this is weird. I might have had self pity when I did this. I don't care anymore. Crap happens. I'm just still dealing with this 3 years later.
I might just need a vacation where everything goes well. Then the involuntary smile will not be as strongly tied to my memory, and will slowly go away. I just got a couple of "wires" crossed up there.
Any and all suggestions for this jacked up situation are welcome.