FadePh
10-05-2011, 01:13 AM
Hi, um... I... found this site when I was browsing for something, anything that might be able to help me... I don't really know how your site works, I didn't really have time to check, because if I don't do this now, I won't post and then I'll just be stuck again.
Okay so... I need help. I haven't told anyone I know how desperately I need help, but it's finally to the point where I'm scaring myself and I need to tell SOMEONE, so... for now this is gonna have to do. I've told a few of my close friends that I'm depressed, and the reasons why, but... idk, I haven't told any one person everything, because I feel like telling them everything all at once just makes me sound pathetic and crazy or something. But this is anonymous right? So if you all think I'm pathetic and crazy... well, you don't know who I am so I guess that's okay. Though I hope you don't... I really need some advice... and I just need someone to listen.
I guess I should start from the beginning? This might be super long, I'm sorry if we're supposed to keep these short... I'll condense it as much as I can.
When I went away for college a little over three years ago, I could tell things weren't right in my family, and it stressed me out to be away when something was obviously going on. My younger sister had become extremely depressed, and would have random crying fits in school, resulting in her being sent home. My mom told me she was depressed, but blamed it on the stress of her busy school schedule...
Then, at the beginning of last summer, it finally came out that my dad had been having an affair, pretty much since I left for college. My sister had found out a year earlier by overhearing a telephone conversation, and had been living with that knowledge the whole time. No one told me any of this until months after my mom found out, and my sister and dad had apparently decided it was "kindest" never to tell me. My mom, however, did decide to let me know what was going on when I came home for summer break... I still feel like a part of me is in denial, but especially at the time, I really didn't believe her. Of course I knew she was telling the truth but... my dad and I had always been the closest in my family, so... it was like he died that day. I still have trouble looking him in the eye.
I threw myself into online forums, trying to focus on that in order to block out reality. When I first started going online more, I didn't really believe that strong relationships could be formed with people you'd never met face to face... but I threw myself into it so deep that I soon realized that I was wrong. I locked myself in my room for hours and hours each day, hardly ever seeing my family, just spending time with my new friends online. It was easier to be (or at least act) happy online, and people liked me, and it felt good to have friends that were always there (as long as I had an internet connection).
Before long I was extremely invested in a particular forum, became part of the staff, and basically got up in the morning in order to talk to my online friends. I neglected my real life friends (I told one about the whole dad thing the day after I found out, but she went back to school the next day, and I was hesitant to leak the news to anyone else, as my dad was urging us all to keep it a secret so as not to ruin his/our family's reputation) and my family, and got in more and more fights with my mom about spending so much time online.
This worked for a while, distracting me from my life outside of the internet. I was in denial about my dad for a very long time, every once in a while shifting into intense anger about the whole situation (the fact that my parents were fighting A LOT was not helping; as of now they are still trying to make things work and are still together... but my mom likes to tell me how bleak things look whenever I'm alone with her. I think she feels like she's helping me stay in the loop, but it's a lot to handle...). In December I basically disappeared from the world, both real and online. I remember sleeping a lot, and not much else...
In January, one of my online friends texted me and asked me to come online to talk. Once I was back, I was back for good. I realized how much I had missed everyone, and swore I'd never leave voluntarily again. I was put back on staff, and was more active than ever, trying my best to be friendly with everyone, new and old. I started to be more active in real life too, getting cast in a musical on campus for that quarter, another good distraction.
I also had an acting class that quarter, and we needed to do scene work with a partner. This guy, who was married, chose me as a partner, and I agreed; I didn't mind who my partner was. But something about him made me not want to rehearse alone with him, so I kept putting it off. Finally it was a day or two before we needed to perform our scene, and he was waiting outside of my musical rehearsal for me. So I agreed to rehearse. Now, he'd chosen a scene that was... a little risque for my taste (aka there was kissing), but I wanted to grow as an actor, so I figured it would be okay.
But as the rehearsal went on I realized that things weren't right... he wasn't taking any of my suggestions, instead insisting we try things that felt more and more... wrong. I didn't really realize what was happening until I was right in the middle of it. I realized that this wasn't acting, and I was able to run out before anything... bad happened, I guess. But it was a really awful situation, and I was so terrified, and I ended up telling two of my online friends what had happened that night. They urged me to report him, but I just... couldn't. I felt so stupid for allowing him to do anything at all, and with him being married, the idea of his wife finding out just reminded me of my own family's situation, making me feel like I had to stay quiet. I don't really want to go into this any more, so I'll just leave it at that...
One of my online friends was a guy. He was so supportive about the whole situation, and so when he asked me if we could start dating a few days later... I said maybe. I knew I was probably not thinking straight though (he'd asked this before a few times, and I'd turned him down, A) because he was far older than me, B) because he wasn't the type of person I would normally date/eventually marry, and C) because I didn't really believe online dating relationships could ever work, especially when people live across the country from each other) so I asked him if I could have a month to recover before I definitely said yes; I also wanted to have a serious talk about all my concerns. He agreed... but the next day was already growing impatient. He was able to get me to move up our discussion to a few days later. He waved away all my concerns, and we ended up being a couple.
I knew from the start it was a bad idea... but I don't know, I was vulnerable and he was a good friend, so I ignored my fears and just went with it. It was a secret from my friends and family in real life though, 1) because my parents would have killed me for dating a man who was so much older than me that I met online, and 2) because none of my friends understood online stuff and I was worried they'd make fun of me for it (and my friends never would have approved of someone like him as my boyfriend... so much older with no steady job and no signs of changing... I don't know what I was thinking).
Anyway, that was nice for a while, and again helped distract me from real life. However, when he made plans to come visit, I freaked out and started second guessing myself. I asked if I could have some time to think, and he got upset and ended things. Thus began the WORST break up of my entire life. I'll skip over that, it's long and annoying.
Around the same time I fell extremely ill and was hospitalized, forcing me to drop out of school for the spring quarter. At this point everything hit me at once, and I became EXTREMELY depressed. That was definitely a low point... that was the closest I've ever really gotten to suicidal I think. Thankfully, I got my dream job not long after this, and was able to pull myself out of this super low point. But I was still depressed...
The guy and I decided to be friends eventually, and things went back to being sort of okay. But I was working a lot, and becoming rather irritable with people. One of my other online friends had really wanted the job I got, and I felt guilty every time it came up all summer. I became super annoyed with her, and even though she had become one of my closest friends over the past year, I found myself frustrated with her more often than not. She came to visit me, and while she was here I felt so used and unappreciated, because of the way she was acting around me and my family, and I ended up venting to the guy about her. I shouldn't have ever said anything, but... I was fed up, and so I did. I knew it was a mistake, but the guy promised he'd never tell.
Eventually, he did. And she told him secrets too, about things I'd said about him when I was mad about the breakup. They simultaneously texted me one night saying they no longer wanted to be friends with me, and told me not to contact them ever again. They were both on staff at my forum, and, needless to say, immediately kicked me off staff. I haven't been to the forum since. I waited a couple weeks and then emailed them both, trying to explain to them my side of things and why I said anything about either of them... but they never responded. They unfriended me on facebook and have basically deleted me from their lives. And every single day I think about them and how angry I am about the whole situation, and at myself.
I feel like depression warped me, and I became more irritable with them than I would have been. Otherwise I don't know why I would ever say anything against people I cared about... I still cannot figure it out. I also can't figure out how the conversation where they spilled all my secrets even came up... I can't stop dwelling on this, and it's causing everything to snowball and be just way too much for me to handle. I don't know why it's so hard for me just to move on. With school and work, I don't really have time to spend on that forum anyway, but it's just the fact that I can't talk to them and they're acting like I don't exist that kills me. I don't know what to do... I am reaching my breaking point. It's been a very hard year...
Anyway... that's my story. I'm sorry that it's so long. It's probably really stupid... If anyone read the whole thing, you're awesome, thank you. I don't know if it's possible to give advice for something like this, so don't worry about it if there's nothing to say... I just really needed someone to listen. It feels good not to keep everything inside...
I'm not going to proof read this, so I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense... I feel like if I proof read I won't post and then this will all be for nothing, and I need someone to know that I'm not as happy as I pretend to be... I'm an actress. I am performing every single day, but nobody knows it... and I'm getting so tired.
Thanks for reading, whoever reads this, if anyone... Sorry for being so depressing/complain-y :/
Okay so... I need help. I haven't told anyone I know how desperately I need help, but it's finally to the point where I'm scaring myself and I need to tell SOMEONE, so... for now this is gonna have to do. I've told a few of my close friends that I'm depressed, and the reasons why, but... idk, I haven't told any one person everything, because I feel like telling them everything all at once just makes me sound pathetic and crazy or something. But this is anonymous right? So if you all think I'm pathetic and crazy... well, you don't know who I am so I guess that's okay. Though I hope you don't... I really need some advice... and I just need someone to listen.
I guess I should start from the beginning? This might be super long, I'm sorry if we're supposed to keep these short... I'll condense it as much as I can.
When I went away for college a little over three years ago, I could tell things weren't right in my family, and it stressed me out to be away when something was obviously going on. My younger sister had become extremely depressed, and would have random crying fits in school, resulting in her being sent home. My mom told me she was depressed, but blamed it on the stress of her busy school schedule...
Then, at the beginning of last summer, it finally came out that my dad had been having an affair, pretty much since I left for college. My sister had found out a year earlier by overhearing a telephone conversation, and had been living with that knowledge the whole time. No one told me any of this until months after my mom found out, and my sister and dad had apparently decided it was "kindest" never to tell me. My mom, however, did decide to let me know what was going on when I came home for summer break... I still feel like a part of me is in denial, but especially at the time, I really didn't believe her. Of course I knew she was telling the truth but... my dad and I had always been the closest in my family, so... it was like he died that day. I still have trouble looking him in the eye.
I threw myself into online forums, trying to focus on that in order to block out reality. When I first started going online more, I didn't really believe that strong relationships could be formed with people you'd never met face to face... but I threw myself into it so deep that I soon realized that I was wrong. I locked myself in my room for hours and hours each day, hardly ever seeing my family, just spending time with my new friends online. It was easier to be (or at least act) happy online, and people liked me, and it felt good to have friends that were always there (as long as I had an internet connection).
Before long I was extremely invested in a particular forum, became part of the staff, and basically got up in the morning in order to talk to my online friends. I neglected my real life friends (I told one about the whole dad thing the day after I found out, but she went back to school the next day, and I was hesitant to leak the news to anyone else, as my dad was urging us all to keep it a secret so as not to ruin his/our family's reputation) and my family, and got in more and more fights with my mom about spending so much time online.
This worked for a while, distracting me from my life outside of the internet. I was in denial about my dad for a very long time, every once in a while shifting into intense anger about the whole situation (the fact that my parents were fighting A LOT was not helping; as of now they are still trying to make things work and are still together... but my mom likes to tell me how bleak things look whenever I'm alone with her. I think she feels like she's helping me stay in the loop, but it's a lot to handle...). In December I basically disappeared from the world, both real and online. I remember sleeping a lot, and not much else...
In January, one of my online friends texted me and asked me to come online to talk. Once I was back, I was back for good. I realized how much I had missed everyone, and swore I'd never leave voluntarily again. I was put back on staff, and was more active than ever, trying my best to be friendly with everyone, new and old. I started to be more active in real life too, getting cast in a musical on campus for that quarter, another good distraction.
I also had an acting class that quarter, and we needed to do scene work with a partner. This guy, who was married, chose me as a partner, and I agreed; I didn't mind who my partner was. But something about him made me not want to rehearse alone with him, so I kept putting it off. Finally it was a day or two before we needed to perform our scene, and he was waiting outside of my musical rehearsal for me. So I agreed to rehearse. Now, he'd chosen a scene that was... a little risque for my taste (aka there was kissing), but I wanted to grow as an actor, so I figured it would be okay.
But as the rehearsal went on I realized that things weren't right... he wasn't taking any of my suggestions, instead insisting we try things that felt more and more... wrong. I didn't really realize what was happening until I was right in the middle of it. I realized that this wasn't acting, and I was able to run out before anything... bad happened, I guess. But it was a really awful situation, and I was so terrified, and I ended up telling two of my online friends what had happened that night. They urged me to report him, but I just... couldn't. I felt so stupid for allowing him to do anything at all, and with him being married, the idea of his wife finding out just reminded me of my own family's situation, making me feel like I had to stay quiet. I don't really want to go into this any more, so I'll just leave it at that...
One of my online friends was a guy. He was so supportive about the whole situation, and so when he asked me if we could start dating a few days later... I said maybe. I knew I was probably not thinking straight though (he'd asked this before a few times, and I'd turned him down, A) because he was far older than me, B) because he wasn't the type of person I would normally date/eventually marry, and C) because I didn't really believe online dating relationships could ever work, especially when people live across the country from each other) so I asked him if I could have a month to recover before I definitely said yes; I also wanted to have a serious talk about all my concerns. He agreed... but the next day was already growing impatient. He was able to get me to move up our discussion to a few days later. He waved away all my concerns, and we ended up being a couple.
I knew from the start it was a bad idea... but I don't know, I was vulnerable and he was a good friend, so I ignored my fears and just went with it. It was a secret from my friends and family in real life though, 1) because my parents would have killed me for dating a man who was so much older than me that I met online, and 2) because none of my friends understood online stuff and I was worried they'd make fun of me for it (and my friends never would have approved of someone like him as my boyfriend... so much older with no steady job and no signs of changing... I don't know what I was thinking).
Anyway, that was nice for a while, and again helped distract me from real life. However, when he made plans to come visit, I freaked out and started second guessing myself. I asked if I could have some time to think, and he got upset and ended things. Thus began the WORST break up of my entire life. I'll skip over that, it's long and annoying.
Around the same time I fell extremely ill and was hospitalized, forcing me to drop out of school for the spring quarter. At this point everything hit me at once, and I became EXTREMELY depressed. That was definitely a low point... that was the closest I've ever really gotten to suicidal I think. Thankfully, I got my dream job not long after this, and was able to pull myself out of this super low point. But I was still depressed...
The guy and I decided to be friends eventually, and things went back to being sort of okay. But I was working a lot, and becoming rather irritable with people. One of my other online friends had really wanted the job I got, and I felt guilty every time it came up all summer. I became super annoyed with her, and even though she had become one of my closest friends over the past year, I found myself frustrated with her more often than not. She came to visit me, and while she was here I felt so used and unappreciated, because of the way she was acting around me and my family, and I ended up venting to the guy about her. I shouldn't have ever said anything, but... I was fed up, and so I did. I knew it was a mistake, but the guy promised he'd never tell.
Eventually, he did. And she told him secrets too, about things I'd said about him when I was mad about the breakup. They simultaneously texted me one night saying they no longer wanted to be friends with me, and told me not to contact them ever again. They were both on staff at my forum, and, needless to say, immediately kicked me off staff. I haven't been to the forum since. I waited a couple weeks and then emailed them both, trying to explain to them my side of things and why I said anything about either of them... but they never responded. They unfriended me on facebook and have basically deleted me from their lives. And every single day I think about them and how angry I am about the whole situation, and at myself.
I feel like depression warped me, and I became more irritable with them than I would have been. Otherwise I don't know why I would ever say anything against people I cared about... I still cannot figure it out. I also can't figure out how the conversation where they spilled all my secrets even came up... I can't stop dwelling on this, and it's causing everything to snowball and be just way too much for me to handle. I don't know why it's so hard for me just to move on. With school and work, I don't really have time to spend on that forum anyway, but it's just the fact that I can't talk to them and they're acting like I don't exist that kills me. I don't know what to do... I am reaching my breaking point. It's been a very hard year...
Anyway... that's my story. I'm sorry that it's so long. It's probably really stupid... If anyone read the whole thing, you're awesome, thank you. I don't know if it's possible to give advice for something like this, so don't worry about it if there's nothing to say... I just really needed someone to listen. It feels good not to keep everything inside...
I'm not going to proof read this, so I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense... I feel like if I proof read I won't post and then this will all be for nothing, and I need someone to know that I'm not as happy as I pretend to be... I'm an actress. I am performing every single day, but nobody knows it... and I'm getting so tired.
Thanks for reading, whoever reads this, if anyone... Sorry for being so depressing/complain-y :/