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Please read my post completely, I feel that it's the only way you can get a glimpse of what I actually feel like.

So, I've actually had these problems for a long time but I've never told them to anyone. I do not actually know why I'm making this thread anyways.
I guess I need to tell someone.

I live in Spain but i have born in Finland, I came to Finland for a holiday yesterday and I saw my "relatives" today. Why am I using quotations? Well, I do not want to see them, I see them so rarely and... it doesn't even feel like they are my relatives.
I can't talk to them! Even tho when I'm with my friends, I'm the most talkative & social one...

It's like I'd start talking to a total random person on the street, it feels exactly like that. I do not feel anything towards them. Why don't I feel anything?

But hey... that's only one of my problems. Let me continue. I feel completely unmotivated towards school and my appearance.
You know that feeling when you don't see your really good friends for a long time and then you really really really want to meet them?
I don't feel that feeling. I want to feel it, but i can't, I know that I should feel it... but i just can't.

Why don't I feel it? Why I don't want to really see my friends? And they really are good friends so it isn't them... something is wrong with me.

I'm a pussy when it comes to fighting, I'm not going to lie. But if I get challenged I fight. Now the problem is that if I lose, something inside me wakes up, it's a feeling that I should take a baseball bat and fudge that person up so badly that he either gets hospitalized or dies.

And when I get that feeling, it isn't "temporary", no. I really think about killing and I feel empty. I feel that it wouldn't matter even if I'd go to prison, I don't care.

After all these problems, I don't even know if I'm depressed or not...? A part of me is, a part of me isn't. I know that I am really sad though, I've always held these things inside me so... i don't know.

My problems don't end here, but I do not even have the power to remember them all. It sometimes feels that everything is wrong with me. Maybe everything is wrong. I feel that this whole post is fudged up, I feel like an idiot because I've always suppressed all these feelings.

If you read this whole thing, thank you.

Nothing is wrong with you, a lot of people are like this.

"I'm a pussy when it comes to fighting, I'm not going to lie. But if I get challenged I fight. Now the problem is that if I lose, something inside me wakes up, it's a feeling that I should take a baseball bat and fudge that person up so badly that he either gets hospitalized or dies.

And when I get that feeling, it isn't "temporary", no. I really think about killing and I feel empty. I feel that it wouldn't matter even if I'd go to prison, I don't care."

That's just like me.

There is nothing wrong with you it's just your hormones and all your emotions are trapped and some get out but some stay inside in a little container. You are a healthy human so I wouldn't worry. I hope things get better with your family as that's how I feel as I don't see my family a lot as they live so far away.

I think it's maybe you're growing up too fast and stuff is getting old/boring to you.

You might just need to find a new hobby.

Fighting, don't be a pussy, if you put up a fight and lose, people have respect that you're not a coward.