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It's hard to say when it all started.
I remember a specific time at school, it was fifth grade.
We had had a big test in math and I thought I had done it very well. Turned out, I hadn't. At the end of a solution, I had marked (translated) "PAN" (proven as needed), which is something used in higher grades to mark the end of a solution. I sometimes studied math with my older brother and I didn't see any issue why I shouldn't mark my work as he does. When the time came for the teacher to hand back our tests she decided not to just hand them out to the class but to hand them out one by one, asking everyone to the front of the class in turn. The same exercise I had marked as said before was the biggest exercise of the test and I had made a mistake somewhere in it. She went on and made a joke of me infront of the whole class, loudly pointing out [i]"...and you wrote PAN at the end."[i] The other children who didn't even know at that time what that marking meant all roared out in laughter and I couldn't do nothing but stand there infront of the class and wait 'till the teacher thought I had had enough and could finally get my test and go back to my seat. There was nothing I would say in my defense, there was nothing I would've known to say.

And there are other times. I remember a similar situation from kindergarden but I don't remember the details. All I can recall is the teacher upbraiding me for something infront of everyone else in our group, including the other younger teachers. At that time I didn't know anything else to do but cry. After the incident was over I felt like no one wanted to play with me anymore, like everyone kept to their own when I came around. There was this one kid who was a year or so older than me and had a similar name and he always played with me and hung around, though. When my parents came to take me home that day I wouldn't say a word, what would I have said?

And my parents. They would fight. They would fight more and more as I grew up. I would be in my room, laying in bed in darkness and listen to them yell in the next room and see the light beam through a bit from inbetween the door. And my father would break the telephone so she wouldn't call the police. And she would yell at her demanding him to stab her. And I wouldn't go stand inbetween them, I was too scared. I cooled down a few smaller fights when I was younger but. Some years later I was at a summer camp for three weeks, the camps were my life, I had no problems there, no problems fitting in. Once I came back I was told my parents had had a large fight again and my brother had went between them, injuring my dad rather badly after he had threatened to attack her with the bottle he was holding in his hand. That's where I felt it for the first time. I wish I could've been there in my brother's shoes and hit my father in the face. I know I wouldn't have, not like him, he's bulky while I'm skinny but.

All these things are years in the past now. My parents have divorced, both have new people they live with and both are more or less happy. I've finished one of the top schools in my country with good enough results to get a scholarship to one of the best universities in the country.
To this day I still have flashbacks to those situations. And dreams. In my dreams I yell out at all of them and I feel even more outcast. In my dreams I hurt them physically. And I wake up and feel like I don't want to talk to anyone, I feel completely out of mood, I feel alone.
Coming autumn I'm going to a university, it's in another city and, in a way, a fresh start.
I'm looking for a way I can put these things behind me and move on. I'm tired of feeling alone and I'm tired of wanting to hurt others.

Ok....

Well, I somewhat know how you feel.

My parents have split up and they used to fight a lot.

There isn't anything you can do really.. but talk.
I used to keep everything to my self and one day, it all came out.
You have to talk to someone..

Speaking your mind to someone is the best way, in my opinion. And maybe he will even help you find a way to help you.

Haha you sound like me except I am a very calm person, no anger at all. My parents used to fight alot aswell until they split up, I havn't seen my dad in a few years now though (I'm 16 atm).

Good luck in university, and allthough you will probably allways have these memories hopefully they will fade a little over time.

Stop caring what people think, if they are stupid enough to laugh let them go. Also i would of cursed out the teacher and made a joke about her appearance or something along those lines to make her feel stupid, who cares about school punishment.

(07-15-2011, 02:17 PM)xofogox Wrote: [ -> ]Stop caring what people think, if they are stupid enough to laugh let them go. Also i would of cursed out the teacher and made a joke about her appearance or something along those lines to make her feel stupid, who cares about school punishment.

Remember he was in 5th grade, not a lot of kids that age have the confidence to stand up to an adult, I know that I didn't back then.

hi Etheryte,
can relate to the experiences/feelings of things that happened in the past.
the feeling of it being stuck intime and never able to move on.

with teachers,they used to do that so often in the nineties and earlier, their method of making kids fall in line was to get a students fellow class 'mates' to rip them a new one through publically pointing out a mistake of theirs.

its happened to so many of us,but just remember that if were a young child now in school it woud be a lot different,teachers arent allowed to be like that anymore,they have a lot more training and understanding nowdays and in fact many of them live in fear of being falsely reported by the kids;and end up letting them get away with anything.
in the old days teachers were feared and we never got away with saying or doing anything back to them.

woud recommend either seeing a councilor/pyschologist and getting some CBT [cognitive behavioral therapy] sessions or if seeing someone new about it is off putting;talk to us or-make a blog,or write it all into a document file,can password protect it if need be.
-it does really need confronting [whether personally or with someone else] because it will get deeply locked into memory then be incredibly painful when something triggers it some years later.

writing about experiences does help.
obviously there is no way of turning back time and changing actions but instead of it being stuck in the mind going over and over; its getting it into a visual format,its facing experiences head on, do this a few times and it will eventually become a lesser demon.

another method,woud be to write each experience then write exactly how woud have reacted/what woud have said.
use as much or as little detail as prefered.
then re-read them until things start to feel calmer.

You need to release your anger in healthy ways.

Therapy might help, and so might combat sports (martial arts).
Anger is a very powerful motivator and can be a force of good, but you need to learn how to control and channel it -- or it'll control and channel you.

You know what I do to let out anger? I take a sledgehammer and smash rocks! You should try but if you do be careful because the rocks fly back up!