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I believe you'd be more suited for playwright-ing. TBO, this is not much of a poem more than just a rhyming composition of how you feel about something in particular...and generally poems have the feel of something more profound.

Another option would be narrative poetry, which, imho, would be more suitable.

(03-22-2011, 12:59 PM)Calx Wrote: [ -> ]I believe you'd be more suited for playwright-ing. TBO, this is not much of a poem more than just a rhyming composition of how you feel about something in particular...and generally poems have the feel of something more profound.

Another option would be narrative poetry, which, imho, would be more suitable.

Hmmm, thanks for the feedback and suggestion.

There seems to be many aspects described in the poem: there is you, a friend, a girl, school, field, home and a contrast between outdoors and indoors. Because of this the poem is very crowded, and if you didn't explain your situation I would not have understood it. So you could focus on fewer aspects for a poem of this length, or lengthen the poem to accommodate the many aspects.

I like the first two lines because it represents your preferred style of playing with syllables and spelling.

6.5/10.

(03-23-2011, 09:04 PM)Eve Wrote: [ -> ]There seems to be many aspects described in the poem: there is you, a friend, a girl, school, field, home and a contrast between outdoors and indoors. Because of this the poem is very crowded, and if you didn't explain your situation I would not have understood it. So you could focus on fewer aspects for a poem of this length, or lengthen the poem to accommodate the many aspects.

I like the first two lines because it represents your preferred style of playing with syllables and spelling.

6.5/10.

Hmmm, thanks for the feedback. I'll try to improve.

I will add that my feedback is based on my taste in poetry, which could be very different from yours. So it may not be a matter of "improving" but more about the type of poetry you like and the style that you are developing.

I'm just going to be blunt... I don't like it... Just not appealing to me... Sorry.

6 out of 10, I personally enjoyed reading it.

5/10 You made it so crowded that you were jumping back and forth from thing to thing you can do better it has potential good job keep improving.

This is pretty good, the layout of it does make it difficult to read though.