Support Forums

I decided to go ahead and start writing a new story. here is the first chapter so far, Tell me what you think and what you think could be better.

Chapter 1: The introduction

The ground shakes beneath me; I see the ground cracking wider and wider. I wonder, why did this have to happen to us, why couldn’t it have been someone else why me? I guess I should explain to you who I am, or better yet “What I am”.

My name is Experiment – 256 but I go by Josh. I was not born; I was made by the military in a lab, I no we were made to be the ultimate war weapons. I guess I should explain what I mean, well you see I am not a normal 16 year old boy I have powers that would have once been seen as fantasy or impossible but now we all know it is very possible.

The military made us in a time of war; the fear of the cataclysm was among everyone we were meant to save the world, or at least that’s what the military told the scientist they were having made us but this was far from the truth we weren’t meant to make the American government the ruler of the world. We were trained by the military on how to use our powers, although most of it had to be learned by ourselves because we were the first to have succeeded in being made. The military did however teach us some useful tricks like sword fighting, archery, and using a gun however guns were very rare weapons now because the cost to make them and there ammo was outrageous so It is mostly back the old school sword and bow way of fighting.

They trained us of from the age of 1, until the age of 14 when they decided to put us into war, we all did not have the same powers or skills we were each different, 5 guys and 5 girls we were the 10 meant to save the world. We started to realize that they didn’t plan on using us to save the world but do take control of it at age 10 when one of us started using our powers to read the military soldiers mind.

We decided that we did not want to be used like this, and that we actually wanted to save the world from the cataclysm so we decided one day that we would run away. We used our powers at the age of 15 to run away, some of us using invisibility, some of us using super speed, and some just using brute force to get out of the military base. The military was enraged that day and have been trying to capture us ever since, this is where the story starts.

You should use sophisticated words and add more small details. Keeps the reader more entertained...
Also, when specifying something, don't point it out, make the reader think out it first...

It takes a lot of planning to make a story compelling and coherent.

I usually start with the characters and a timeline of the story.
It helps to just throw short chapters together with characters you create to get a feel for how to write with them.

Or maybe that's just me...

Seems pretty good for a start. The biggest thing is grammar - it does actually take a bit away from the reading (using too many semicolons, commas, etc.).

How about making the ending a bit more foreshadowing by having "This is where the story starts," be its own sentence? Other than that, I'm intrigued!

(03-07-2011, 05:03 PM)Quinlan Wrote: [ -> ]Seems pretty good for a start. The biggest thing is grammar - it does actually take a bit away from the reading (using too many semicolons, commas, etc.).

How about making the ending a bit more foreshadowing by having "This is where the story starts," be its own sentence? Other than that, I'm intrigued!

i have changed it up a little bit now, here is what i have now.
The ground shakes beneath me; I see the ground cracking wider and wider. I wonder, why did this have to happen to us, why couldn’t it have been someone else why me? I guess I should explain to you who I am, or better yet “What I am”.

My name is Experiment – 25 but I go by Josh. I was not born; I was made by the military in a lab, I no wait we were made to be the ultimate war weapons. I guess I should explain what I mean, well you see I am not a normal 16 year old boy I have powers that would have once been seen as fantasy or impossible but now we all know it is very possible.

The military made us in a time of war; the fear of the cataclysm was among everyone we were meant to save the world, or at least that’s what the military told the scientist they were having make us but this was far from the truth. We were trained by the military on how to use our powers, although most of it had to be learned by ourselves because we were the first to have succeeded in being made. The military did however teach us some useful tricks like sword fighting, archery, and using a gun however guns are very rare weapons now because the cost to make them and there ammo is outrageous so It is mostly back to the old way of fighting.

They trained us from the age of 1, until the age of 14 when they decided to put us into war, we all did not have the same powers or skills we were each different, 5 guys and 5 girls we are the 10 meant to save the world. We started to realize that they didn’t plan on using us to save the world but that they had other intentions in mind at the age of 10 when one of us started using our powers to read the military soldiers mind.

We decided that we did not want to be used, and that we want to save the world from the cataclysm so we decided one day that we would run away. We used our powers at the age of 15 to run away, some of us using invisibility, some of us using super speed, and some just using brute force to get out of the military base. The military was enraged that day and have been trying to capture us ever since, this is where the story starts.

The wording could definitely be better. You missed a few commas, and added a few where they didn't need to be. You also had some other grammatical errors. Sounds like a good story though. Never use numbers. Always type it out, unless it is a date of course. When you write how you did the story could be over in a few pages. You need to expand more on the main character. His experiences in the lab. How they trained him. How did the war start? Stuff like that. If you ever need an editor I'm here. ^_^

(03-07-2011, 05:12 PM)Codad Law Wrote: [ -> ]The wording could definitely be better. You missed a few commas, and added a few where they didn't need to be. You also had some other grammatical errors. Sounds like a good story though. Never use numbers. Always type it out, unless it is a date of course. When you write how you did the story could be over in a few pages. You need to expand more on the main character. His experiences in the lab. How they trained him. How did the war start? Stuff like that. If you ever need an editor I'm here. ^_^

alright man sounds good, i just do it for fun so i share like all of the stuff i write dont expect to make money doing it thats what my computers for.

Seems like you're progressing. Here's what I'd change to the first two paragraphs (just my personal "preference):

"The ground shakes beneath me and I see the ground cracking wider and wider. I wonder why this had to happen to us. Why it couldn't have been someone else, and why me? I guess I should explain to you who I am, or better yet, “what" I am.

My name is Experiment – 25, but I go by Josh. I was not born but made by the military in a laboratory. I know we were made to be the ultimate war weapons, but I guess I should explain what I mean.

I am not a normal 16 year old boy - I have powers that would have once been seen as a fantasy or impossible. However, we all now know it is very possible."

I'd also recommend you just try fleshing out some of your ideas into longer paragraphs.

You are making progress though bro.

Can I be honest?