11-22-2010, 08:04 AM
I really just needed a place to vent where no one knows who I am.
So I'm trying to change my sleeping routine again. I prefer to sleep during the day and be awake at night. No one understands why I do it. No one understands that it's so much more relaxing. I just prefer to be left alone to do my own thing. I can't do that during the day with the constant hassle of family, work and everything else that complicates my life. I just hate how no one understands that I enjoy doing my own thing. All they want to do is change, warp, twist and mould me into everything they want/expect me to be/become. It's bull crap. I just want to be me and be left alone to do my own thing.
Yeah, so I go to sleep at about 9 AM with the TV going. I wake up at 1:30 PM. Yeah 4 and a half hours sleep, how fun. It was fairly hot, so I got up and turned on the air conditioner and tried to go back to sleep. By this time it was becoming nearly impossible to fall back to my relaxing sleepy world. Then I hear the American Music Awards on TV. So I decide that since I can't sleep I'd watch that. To my horror, I bore whiteness to Justin Bieber winning 2 awards. At this point I'd pretty much given up on humanity, but then the artist of the year award came along. It was between Justin, Eminem, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and someone else. I thought for sure that Eminem would win. Before they announced who won I said to myself that if Justin won I'd give up on humanity. Unfortunately, guess who won artist of the year? That's right, Justin Bieber. So with my new found contempt for humanity I tried to get back to sleep. At this point it's about 2-3 PM. I couldn't get back to sleep so I got up and hopped on the computer.
I talked to friends on MSN and proceeded to continue to download all the Pokemon episodes. As of right now I have all of the English Dubbed Pokemon. That's 644 episodes. I fully intend to watch them all. But that's besides the point. At this point, I got onto WoW and logged into my Death Knight. I love my Death Knight, it's a freakin beast. But yeah, I played that for a while and I ate dinner in the middle of a Dungeon where I took on the role of Tank. Surprisingly it turned out ok.
So later on in the night I talked with my X on Skype. I don't know what the feeling is. Love? Lust? Like? Some other L word I don't know? I don't know. I'll go with love. I still love this girl, I'm a virgin and she's not. But last year she cheated on her BF with me. She broke it off when she thought we were getting to serious and her BF had IRL BS happening.So after not talking for a month she talked to me on MSN and we started to become friends again. I have problems with knowing when to let go but I still want her. Anyway, back to present day. I talked to her for about 2 and a half hours. We talked about a lot of things, what it's like in Japan where she is, what she's been doing, what she's going to do when she gets back etc. Then i remembered she got involved with a relationship with an Australian that she met there. She said he wasn't attractive, but she gave him her email, they started talking, met up, they had sex, and now they're in a relationship. This just freakin shits me. I mean, everyone but me she sleeps with, it's BS. There is nothing wrong with me. She says the timing was bad. But she said we could have easily ended up having sex which leads me to believe I did something wrong. But I go over every detail, I can't make mistakes.
So we started talking about her schedule when she gets back and I get a full day with her. Her sister is getting back from Italy that day so 1 or both of her parents will not be home and she agreed we can spend the night and probably morning together. So basically, for the entire year she's been gone I've been thinking about having sex with her. I want her to have my virginity. I love this girl, but it will probably crush me when she leaves for University. I look nothing like what I did last time she saw me. I've lost a lot of weight, 35 KG or 78 Lbs. So I've shaped up a lot. I'm going to be getting my hair dyed so it looks like it's sun bleached and start wearing a lot nicer clothes. I normally wear jeans and a t-shirt. She won't recognise me and I'm hoping that she likes what she sees. But the thought has crossed my mind that she's either a chubby chaser or truly sees peoples inner beauty. I think I want to have sex with her. I don't know if it's months of drilling it into my head or the fact I actually want to anymore. If I think about it, I have an 80% chance of getting her to have sex with me while she's in a relationship with the other guy. But do I really want to? Do I want to give it up to someone that's going to be gone 2-3 weeks after. I think I'm the clingy type. Maybe it's best that I don't go in with the attitude of freakin her and go in with the attitude of whatever happens happens. Maybe I should save it for someone that I start a real relationship with, I don't know anymore.
It's 2 months until she gets back, I still have a lot of time to get everything together. But I'm still not 100% on if I want to have sex with her. I mean, I get what I want. Not rape, but I can manipulate people to do what I want. I can twist her mind into doing it. But I don't want sex with her that way. I want her to want to do it. But that's what I did last time and it didn't work, so maybe it's time to impose my will.
tl'dr there isn't one.
So I'm trying to change my sleeping routine again. I prefer to sleep during the day and be awake at night. No one understands why I do it. No one understands that it's so much more relaxing. I just prefer to be left alone to do my own thing. I can't do that during the day with the constant hassle of family, work and everything else that complicates my life. I just hate how no one understands that I enjoy doing my own thing. All they want to do is change, warp, twist and mould me into everything they want/expect me to be/become. It's bull crap. I just want to be me and be left alone to do my own thing.
Yeah, so I go to sleep at about 9 AM with the TV going. I wake up at 1:30 PM. Yeah 4 and a half hours sleep, how fun. It was fairly hot, so I got up and turned on the air conditioner and tried to go back to sleep. By this time it was becoming nearly impossible to fall back to my relaxing sleepy world. Then I hear the American Music Awards on TV. So I decide that since I can't sleep I'd watch that. To my horror, I bore whiteness to Justin Bieber winning 2 awards. At this point I'd pretty much given up on humanity, but then the artist of the year award came along. It was between Justin, Eminem, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and someone else. I thought for sure that Eminem would win. Before they announced who won I said to myself that if Justin won I'd give up on humanity. Unfortunately, guess who won artist of the year? That's right, Justin Bieber. So with my new found contempt for humanity I tried to get back to sleep. At this point it's about 2-3 PM. I couldn't get back to sleep so I got up and hopped on the computer.
I talked to friends on MSN and proceeded to continue to download all the Pokemon episodes. As of right now I have all of the English Dubbed Pokemon. That's 644 episodes. I fully intend to watch them all. But that's besides the point. At this point, I got onto WoW and logged into my Death Knight. I love my Death Knight, it's a freakin beast. But yeah, I played that for a while and I ate dinner in the middle of a Dungeon where I took on the role of Tank. Surprisingly it turned out ok.
So later on in the night I talked with my X on Skype. I don't know what the feeling is. Love? Lust? Like? Some other L word I don't know? I don't know. I'll go with love. I still love this girl, I'm a virgin and she's not. But last year she cheated on her BF with me. She broke it off when she thought we were getting to serious and her BF had IRL BS happening.So after not talking for a month she talked to me on MSN and we started to become friends again. I have problems with knowing when to let go but I still want her. Anyway, back to present day. I talked to her for about 2 and a half hours. We talked about a lot of things, what it's like in Japan where she is, what she's been doing, what she's going to do when she gets back etc. Then i remembered she got involved with a relationship with an Australian that she met there. She said he wasn't attractive, but she gave him her email, they started talking, met up, they had sex, and now they're in a relationship. This just freakin shits me. I mean, everyone but me she sleeps with, it's BS. There is nothing wrong with me. She says the timing was bad. But she said we could have easily ended up having sex which leads me to believe I did something wrong. But I go over every detail, I can't make mistakes.
So we started talking about her schedule when she gets back and I get a full day with her. Her sister is getting back from Italy that day so 1 or both of her parents will not be home and she agreed we can spend the night and probably morning together. So basically, for the entire year she's been gone I've been thinking about having sex with her. I want her to have my virginity. I love this girl, but it will probably crush me when she leaves for University. I look nothing like what I did last time she saw me. I've lost a lot of weight, 35 KG or 78 Lbs. So I've shaped up a lot. I'm going to be getting my hair dyed so it looks like it's sun bleached and start wearing a lot nicer clothes. I normally wear jeans and a t-shirt. She won't recognise me and I'm hoping that she likes what she sees. But the thought has crossed my mind that she's either a chubby chaser or truly sees peoples inner beauty. I think I want to have sex with her. I don't know if it's months of drilling it into my head or the fact I actually want to anymore. If I think about it, I have an 80% chance of getting her to have sex with me while she's in a relationship with the other guy. But do I really want to? Do I want to give it up to someone that's going to be gone 2-3 weeks after. I think I'm the clingy type. Maybe it's best that I don't go in with the attitude of freakin her and go in with the attitude of whatever happens happens. Maybe I should save it for someone that I start a real relationship with, I don't know anymore.
It's 2 months until she gets back, I still have a lot of time to get everything together. But I'm still not 100% on if I want to have sex with her. I mean, I get what I want. Not rape, but I can manipulate people to do what I want. I can twist her mind into doing it. But I don't want sex with her that way. I want her to want to do it. But that's what I did last time and it didn't work, so maybe it's time to impose my will.
tl'dr there isn't one.